I did not know that a thing could both be a garbage fire and soggy bag of dogfood in a winter downpour, but Ralph Breaks the Internet, aside from being an exercise in lowered expectations, accomplishes that stereoscopic feat. This film should be required watching for every schoolchild, if only so that they can have that stomach-churning feeling that comes from watching something you love spoil and rot like a melon on a stoop two weeks past Halloween.
In the lead up to the mistake of seeing this film, I had read some high-minded headlines about Ralph and Toxic Masculinity, but much like the film itself, the review was a bit of a catfish, in that it fails to mention that any semblance of self-awareness is lost in the pondering morass of product placement and too-old internet memes. The Disney princesses are by far the most interesting commentary on the past limitations of storytelling in the Disney franchises and it lasts for approximately two minutes, without much more to add than the trailers. Gal Godot is perfect for her role, serves as a positive female role model for a younger generation and injects into the story a subplot about the power of female relationships and finding your tribe. RBI is one of those comedies, like indie-darling, Eighth Grade, and the more mainstream Blocked, where woke platitudes are omnipresent from the very beginning of the film and the true tension at the heart of the film is the struggle to live up to those new progressive principles when challenged by our darker, less generous selves. Unfortunately, RBI is a sequel, so it’s more concerned with selling merchandise than it is with storytelling.
The best that can be said about RBI is that you can buy a ticket for this movie and sneak into Fantastic Beasts in order to avoid giving money to Johnny Depp.
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