Watched this movie strategically over the course of two days so that if there is some kind of cosmic justice for people who see this cursed franchise we might be spared, basically operating on Beetlejuice rules. This is technically not in the bounds of our usual review rules, but as we’ve made notable exceptions for Johnny Depp movies in the past, I am feel confident that you will not mind having a movie you have no intention of seeing spoiled for you.
Screenwriters JK Rowling and friend have written a crackerjack script, including lines like, “You’re here” “Yes,” and “Thank me? Why?” “Pick your poison.” Jessica James sold her soul to be a wizard, which I cannot fault her, but I am pretty sure I have used that exact same accent in a detective noir board game in the last month and no one called me back for a sequel. Literally every scene she is in is badass and I can only hope that when this house of cards that is Fantastic Beasts finally crumbles under the weight of multiple harassment lawsuits, that her character will ultimately be the spinoff that works, preferably co-written by Robin Thede and Larry Wilmore. Quite a bit of this movie involves Newt Scamander being eye-fucked by his horny secretary but giving back none of that energy to anyone or anything.
All of that craziness is in play, and at the same time, this movie has within it a really fun premise, what Wife called a “reverse time-travel plot”–because of these animals, Qilin, who are able to give their killers glimpses of the future? and also judge who should win worldwide elections? Anyway, because Grindelwald has his mitts on one, the gang will be outfoxed by any concerted effort to undermine his rise to power. The only way to counter the future sight of the enemy is to have no plan or so many different secret plans that he has no fucking clue which plan is actually going to pan out. So, basically, the first two movies brought together a crew of lovable characters for us to cheer on, and then separated them, and then brought them together again mostly in order to separate them but chaotically. There are no words to describe how much I like the energy of that, especially having seen it executed even more purely in Everything, Everywhere, All At the Same Time months ago. But if you’re like this guy and you just recently got to see The Cursed Child three years after you initially purchased a ticket on a whim before your innocent world of witchcraft and wizardry was so rudely upset by a raising a child, the upheaval of a global pandemic, and the dissolution of civil society, then you probably are not that concerned with the logical progression of events and just want to see magic shit (I will not link you to the Buzzfeed article that talks about how divorced from reason Cursed Child is, especially in its foreshortened form, in the unlikely event you too are waiting to see this pretty trainwreck soon in your hometown).
Why didn’t the French wizard turncoat when he lost memory of his sister Zoë Kravitz? And is Aberforth going to get angry about Ezra Miller’s abrupt exit from the franchise in order to maintain continuity with the HP series, after the sweet reconciliation they have at the end of this one? The way that wizards hold their elections for the worldwide ministry of magic syndicate or whatever is completely insane and bodes very poorly for our democracy if, in fact, it’s allegory for American elections. Basically, two or six or none candidates go through the trouble of getting certified to run campaigns across the globe, rallying supporters and making promises to various interests, and then they give speeches at a monastery in Bhutan before everyone says INSTEAD OF VOTING THIS TIME WE’RE GOING TO LET THIS DEER THING CHOOSE NO WAIT THIS DEER THING NOT THAT ONE. And yet, I suppose there are ways in which this is a less racist system than the electoral college?
Magic is solid draw in Secrets of Dumbledore. The plot is explicitly ape shit. The film is only tangentially related to Fantastic Beasts and much more interested in election politics but dumbed down so that everyone wonders what insight is being revealed. This movie will serve as an excellent time capsule of a more innocent time during Ezra Miller’s next court proceedings, surely.
