The House with a Clock in its Walls marks a low point point for Cate Blanchett’s otherwise spotless career and a high point for Jack Black. It is the spiritual sibling to The Magician’s Apprentice that no one asked for. I probably would never have seen this movie except for the fact that a quirky high school girl I know was unusually amped up about it last weekend and I wanted to figure out whether her expectations were met. My older brother told me that director Eli Roth, of Green Inferno (2013) and Hostel (2005) fame, said in an interview that since so many directors are switching over from PG to hyper bloody, violent films right now, the really edgy thing to do as a director is to move in the opposite direction. More than one critic has commented on how this film is supposedly a gateway for kids to experience the horror genre, but I think the only thing that it’s a gateway for is kids to experience the horror of having their hopes and dreams of a good afternoon dashed.
My general findings: HWACIIW was always going to suffer from an awkwardly long name. It’s really, really important that you laugh at all the poop jokes. If you don’t, a topiary griffin will shit on your face until you laugh. As far as I can tell, the most fantastical element of this film is that we’re supposed to believe that the mayor from Portlandia was able to date someone like Renée Elise Goldsberry (from Altered Carbon and The Good Wife). There are shockingly few repercussions for this dumbass kid who raises the dead from a stolen book he’s told not to use by his negligent uncle. The dream sequences are the lone bright star in an otherwise charmless, snooze of a film. The CGI of Jack Black as a baby shows just how few fucks are given in this movie. Also, I don’t get why the bug girl storyline is so essential. The kid literally overhears that our protagonist is a sorcerer and never follows up. She seems smart, but she’s really dumb as rocks, which is, coincidentally, an apt description of the film in general. Eric Kripe, the screenplay writer, was an associate producer of The Adjustment Bureau (2011), which was the movie where the B-list members of Mad Men chased down Matt Damon as he shuttled Emily Blunt around futuristic New York with the help of a hat that opened up portals. He’s making a name for himself as a paragon of mediocrity, which, coincidentally, is the alternative title of this film.
